> >The English Language
> >> >If you ever feel stupid, then just read on.
> >If you've learned to speak fluent English, you must be a genius! This
> >little treatise on the lovely language we share is only for the brave.
> >Peruse at your leisure, English lovers.
> >
> >Reasons why the English language is so hard to learn:
> >1) The bandage was wound around the wound.
> >2) The farm was used to produce produce.
> >3) The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.
> >4) We must polish the Polish furniture.
> >5) He could lead if he would get the lead out.
> >6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.
> >7) Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to
> > present the present.
> >8) A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.
> >9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.
> >10) I did not object to the object.
> >11) The insurance was invalid for the invalid.
> >12) There was a row among the oarsmen about how to row.
> >13) They were too close to the door to close it.
> >14) The buck does funny things when the does are present.
> >15) A seamstress and a sewer fell down into a sewer line.
> >16) To help with planting, the farmer taught his sow to sow.
> >17) The wind was too strong to wind the sail
> >18) After a number of injections my jaw got number.
> >19) Upon seeing the tear in the painting I shed a tear.
> >20) I had to subject the subject to a series of tests.
> >21) How can I intimate this to my most intimate friend?
> >22] I want it to be on record that I wll record my record
> >
> >There is no egg in eggplant nor ham in hamburger;
> >neither apple nor pine in pineapple.
> >
> >English muffins weren't invented in England or French fries in France.
> >
> >Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat.
> >
> >Quicksand works slowly, boxing rings are square and a guinea pig is
> >neither from Guinea nor is it a pig.
> >
> >And why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't
> >groce and hammers don't ham?
> >
> >If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn't the plural of booth beeth?
> >
> >One goose, 2 geese. So one moose, 2 meese? Doesn't it seem crazy that
> >you can make amends but not one amend.
> >
> >If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of
> >them, what do you call it? Is it an odd, or an end?
> >
> >If teachers taught, why didn't preachers praught?
> >
> >If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
> >
> >In what language do people recite at a play and play at a recital?
> >
> >Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that
> >smell?
> >
> >How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man
> >and a wise guy are opposites?
> >
> >You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which your
> >house can burn up as it burns down, in which you fill in a form by
> >filling it out and in which, an alarm goes off by going on.
> >
> >English was invented by people, not computers, and it reflects the
> >creativity of the human race, which, of course, is not a race at all.
> >
> >That is why, when the stars are out, they are visible, but when the
> >lights are out, they are invisible.
> >
> >P.S. - Why doesn't "Buick" rhyme with "quick"?
> >
> >=============================
> >
> >An elderly fisherman wrote to a mail order house the following:
> >
> >"Please send me one of those gasoline engines for my boat you show on
> >page 438, and, if it's any good, I'll send you a check."
> >
> >In a short time he received the following reply:
> >
> >"Please send check; if it's any good, we'll send the engine!"
> >
> >=============================
> >
> >IDIOTS & RETAIL
> >
> >I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase
> >when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my
> >name on the back of the credit card. She informed
> >me that she could not complete the transaction
> >unless the card was signed. When I asked why,
> >she explained that it was necessary to compare the
> >signature on the credit card with the signature I just
> >signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in
> >front of her. She carefully compared that signature
> >to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would
> >have it, they matched.
> >
> >IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
> >
> >I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new
> >neighbor call the local township administrative office
> >to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on
> >our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by
> >cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.
> >
> >IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
> >
> >My neighbor works in the operations department in
> >the central office of a large bank. Employees in the
> >field call him when they have problems with their
> >computers. One night he got a call from a woman
> >in one of the branch banks who had this question:
> >'I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal.
> >Do you guys have a fire downtown?'
> >
> >AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
> >
> >Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect
> >by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting
> >it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message
> >'He's lying' was placed in the copier, and police pressed
> >the copy button each time they thought the suspect
> >wasn't telling the truth. Believing the 'lie detector' was working, the
> >suspect confessed.
> >
> >=============================
> >
> >They say that genius is 99 % perspiration and 1% inspiration.
> >
> >Then again, so is mowing the lawn or shovelling the snow
> >out of the driveway!
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